The Once and Future King
When Arthur returns
It is well known that Arthur and his knights are sleeping in a cave overlooking the River Swale, not far from Richmond in Yorkshire. The Round Table and the great sword Excalibur are there too, according to the testimony of their discoverer, a man called Thompson, as set down in the history of the place. A close watch is kept on this cave by the secret agents disguised as tourist guides in Richmond Castle, but no obvious candidates for the role of king have so far emerged.
Attempts to locate the exact spot within the cave have included the army sending a drummer boy down it and trying to follow the sound of his drum from the surface. Unfortunately, the drummer boy disappeared without trace, hence becoming confused with the legend of Drake’s Drum, which is supposed to be beaten whenever the foes of England appear in The Channel and thus annoy The Fishermen of England almost as much as fishing boats from France.
Drake’s drumroll is in order to summon the hero captain from where he is sleeping “down below”, popularly supposed to be a euphemism for either the London sewers (Ian Wallace) or the bottom of Nombre de Dios Bay (Henry Newbolt).
The government has accordingly decided upon an all-purpose protocol to cover the reappearance of either or both of Arthur and Drake. This involves sending them on an unconscious bias training course to ensure that second time around they will not be so nasty to foreigners, and other oppressed minorities, including Angles, Saxons, Picts, Romans, Spaniards, or ladies who happen to like wild swimming whilst brandishing swords.
After this they will be allowed to fill in a form applying for the position of King, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Horse, or President of the Plymouth Hoe Bowling Club as desired, and a Royal Commission of Enquiry will be set up to decide if they should get the post. Thsi will be done not later than 10 years after the submission of the form, or the expenditure of 250 million pounds sterling, whichever comes first.
Two thousand civil servants are employed to sit at their desks doing nothing but planning and waiting for this event, so no-one can say we aren’t well prepared.