What should I not do in Yorkshire?
A visitor's guide
Do not fail to respond to a traditional local greeting, which you will find is offered to you even by people you’ve never met. The local language is known as Tyke. It is NOT an accent or dialect of modern English and in fact contains many words of old Norse. Typical examples of Tyke greetings are ‘Nah then’, ‘Ey up’, ‘ahreet?’ or ‘Owdo, squire?’. To which the appropriate reply is some variant of ‘Nah then! Ow’s thissen?’ but all Tykes are capable of understanding the language of the southern counties (which for some reason is usually called English despite having been invented by Saxons).
Do not suggest that anything worthy of the name ‘beer’ is brewed anywhere outside the historic boundaries of ‘The Broad Acres’ (Yorkshire). The products erroneously called beer in all other parts of the world are weak and watery and only suitable for consumption by softies who don’t know any better. A Yorkshireman offering you a drink may do so thus: ‘Same agen, reight? Sup up an’ giz thi glass, lad.’
Do not suggest that Yorkshire Pudding is:
Something you can buy ready prepared in a packet from the supermarket,
Something that you can eat as anything other than a course on its own, with onions and beef gravy,
Anything other than delicious and the food of the gods.
Upon no account admit to supporting or following Manchester United. You may earn kudos in parts of Sheffield by remembering that in 1961 Sheffield Wednesday (founded 1867) beat Man U (founded 1878) 7-2 away at Old Trafford. However be careful not to mention this to anyone wearing a red-and-white scarf.
Do not suggest that anything of value comes (or ever came) from Lancashire, pronounced ‘Lankysheer’.
Never suggest that red roses are prettier than white or say that you like them better.
Never expect a Yorkshireman to have remembered his wallet. All Yorkshiremen invariably leave their wallets at home or in their other coat. This is the result of endemic local absent-mindedness. Always.
Never expect a Yorkshireman to be mealy-mouthed or indirect in his speech. We are plain-spoken to the point of bluntness. We don’t so much call a spade a spade as call it a bloody shovel. Political correctness begins again at the county border, on your way out.
Never expect to find better scenery in England than The Yorkshire Dales, The Cleveland Hills, and the coast around Whitby. Yorkshire is also a county full of historic buildings and fascinating places to visit.
Never expect to meet warmer-hearted people anywhere else.
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Doncaster, yon well-kent Scottish exclave
There are some lovely historical myths that are cherished by all with a smattering of historical knowledge, despite being untrue. These prove, amongst other things, that Berwick upon Tweed has been at war with Germany for the past hundred and ten years and still is.